Research

When thinking of how to start my next blog I decided I wanted to look in my older notebooks to see what I had written in there, to have some inspiration. I started my previous notebook around the end of 2022, so around 3 years ago. When I started reading it I had completely forgotten what was going through my mind at that age. And boy am I glad (or not?) that I wrote that much stuff, in such detail as well. It took me more than 3 hours to read through one notebook and it was such a rollercoaster of emotions. The fact that I forgot so many of those moments but that, at the time, they were so important to me to actually take the time to write it all down, makes it even funnier. There are even people that I completely forgot they even existed. But the moment I read about it (or them), it all came back to me; that specific moment, with that special person, and that special eye contact, with that other special person.

"My little life"

In those 234 pages so many things have happened. There was the time where I had only been living in Antwerp for a couple of months; the time where I was still working at my other job in Brussels (there were a loooot of crushes there!!) ; the moment where I quit my other job to try and find my real purpose and do something I actually wanted to do. But then there is the moment where after a couple of weeks and eventually months I still didn't find a job and you can see the stress building up. Not only for the money (I didn't have), but also the fact that I still had no idea what I wanted to do in life.

But thank god I still had the boys to think about to distract me from all those horrible adulting thoughts. Even if they were not great experiences, it was still something, or someone, to distract me with.

Now people might think it's crazy of me to share that intimate part of my life, and it is actually a bit of a weird concept to write a blog so that everyone can just read about it. But for some reason I do feel the need to share these parts of my life, so that 1. I can deal with it in a better and healthier way and 2. so that the people realise they are not the only ones. I want to show that it's not like in the movies or how they write about it in the books. Or not always at least, some people can be very lucky. I myself got fooled for a long time, and sometimes I still get fooled with the lyrics of a song for example, but then I get snapped right back into reality. Writing it all down , then in my notebooks, and now in my blog is a way for me to cope with it all and give it some kind of closure.

I always crushed on people pretty quickly, even at a young age. One of my biggest and longest crushes is still to this day the crush I had in primary school. He was the new kid at our school and he came in the classroom (crying and screaming because he didn't want to be at our school at all!) and I still remember the moment I saw him, and how my heart blew up. It's crazy how I still remember that feeling to this day but it was a real "love at first sight" moment.

I was 8 at the time, and it took me until I was maybe 15 or 16 to really get over him? But of course he still holds a special place in my heart. <3 Over the years I wrote him letters, made him little gifts, went to places I knew he went to, and even brought the letters where i confess my love for him to his home (because I of course knew where he lived).

Looking back at it now makes me realise that I maybe was a bit crazy (in looove), especially for that young age. I really was a lil stalker oops!.. But back then it was all very cute and innocent hihi.

It never became something with him of course, but it's at that time that I realised I'm a hopeless romantic. I of course had to encourage myself even more by reading romantic books and watching all the romcoms that existed. My imagination was going mayhem and I really believed in it all; the first kiss and the first time, with that special person!! Until the moment I downloaded Tinder... I then realised how men can be and how the romance I read about doesn't really exist. Or that you reaaaalllly have to search for it (I still haven't found it).

One of the first dates I ever had by the help of Tinder was when I was still 16 or 17. I was still living with my parents in a small village outside of the big city and he was an American traveling alone in Europe. At that time he was in Brussels and he wanted to see me so I told him we could meet up in the park, in the Botanical garden, thinking he wouldn't want to make the effort of coming all the way over with the bus, just to see me. But apparently he did. I got ready and waited for him in the park, I was super stressed and didn't know what to expect as I didn't know the guy at all.

We walked and talked and he wanted to hold hands while doing that. I showed him around and we went inside the castle that is situated there, at that moment there was an exposition happening. We got into one of the rooms and ended up being the only two people there. He dropped his backpack on the floor, and held my hands and started spinning us around?? Now I know he wanted to make it a romantic moment but even I knew at that age that it was a bit random and a bit awkward. I didn't really know what to do? And he expected us to kiss after? But like, bro, no, you just spun me around and there is nothing sexy about that, to be totally honest. So yeah, first date ever I think ? and it was with a total stranger.

(( Well all the stories you are going to read about usually are with total strangers, and I am thanking my lucky star everyday that nothing bad happened... yet (knock on wood!))

Back to South-Korea.

Remember that my plane got cancelled because of that drizzle? And that I decided to hang out with a stranger from tinder? Well during the night it really started pouring.

We first had some snacks at this restaurant/bar, but instead of being it like an open space it had small booths where you could sit in private. Perfect for a first date I guess.

Even though it was a date and I was a bit stressed, I never felt uncomfortable or uneasy with him. We had some drinks and the conversation was flowing. I eventually mentioned I had big hands, and of course he wanted to check how big by comparing with his own hands. We ended up by holding hands, which was pretty smooth of him. It that was also a good way to get more comfortable with each other.

My typical line to break the ice was by saying "in Belgium when you cheers, you have to look into each others eyes, otherwise its seven years of bad sex!!" That usually made the trick.

After a couple of drinks and when the bar was closing we decided to go back outside and walk around. It started to rain more and more but it didn't really bother us. Even though I just had my little black dress on (not the sexy kind, it was just a simple flowy dress that was really comfortable and cute looking ((I did make it sexier though by wearing fishnets under it hihi))). We weren't really going anywhere specific so I asked him where he wanted to go. I was also telling him that he was the one that needed to show me around as I didn't know the city. He didn't really know but we eventually ended up in a karaoke, we only did four songs. After being outside again we passed by an arcade and decided that was going to be our next stop. It was actually pretty fun as it was my first time doing something like that. Now the norm would be for the girl to play dumb and let the guy win so he would feel masculine, but that's not what I did, not at all! I did my best to win and I actually did beat him at some games, I wasn't going easy on him haha. We had fun, and then continued our way back out on the streets, still in the rain.

After walking a couple of blocks I asked him again where we were going and he again said that he didn't really know, so at that point I said that maybe I should just walk back to my hostel. We walked again and the conversation started shifting towards relationships and dating and eventually also about sex. It was a very funny and open conversation without actually pronouncing out the word "SEX". He kept thinking that I didn't know what he was talking about, but I did. When we were nearing my hostel he finally confessed that all that time he was actually looking for a Motel or Sex Hotel.

Now for those that don't know how this works in South-Korea;

In their culture it is very normal to book a hotel for one night just to have sex. And that is not only the case for hookups or one night stands but also for people that are in a relationship. I did know about it before as I had already watched a couple of Kdramas. It is still seen as a taboo in the country itself but everyone knows about it and when you start paying attention to it, you start seeing them everywhere in the city. But for some reason I didn't think I would experience it while I was visiting there.

So when he mentioned that he was looking for a motel I just started laughing. He was a bit shy but I told him that he could look it up on his phone to find the nearest one. Also just because it was still raining and I was starting to be soaking wet ( ;) )

We went to the motel and I still remember thinking at that time that nothing was going to happen, even though we had talked about sex and we were literally entering the motel.

The image of us getting inside of this dark mysterious place and him talking to the guy behind the counter to book and pay (he payed!) for the room is still very clear in my mind. Also when entering the room I just remember having to laugh as it was such a cliché "sex room". It was lit in this purple light and there were images of hearts and couples on the walls. In the room was just a double bed, a tv hanging on the wall and a small bathroom. When he payed for the room he also got a little package and I wondered what it was. I opened it and it was just a toiletry back with disposable toothbrushes, small soaps, a hair tie ( :o ) and i'm guessing condoms, but I'm actually not sure anymore if that was really the case. It would be logical though.

I laid on the bed suddenly feeling very stressed when realising what was going to happen. He laid next to me and at first we were still just talking. I eventually told him that I just had my first time two or three weeks prior and that I wasn't really skilled. He didn't make a big deal out of it, which I very much appreciated. We eventually started kissing, first slowly but then it quickly became more passionate. I was laying on top of him and he asked me if I had already given a blowjob before. I didn't, really, but I did say I wanted to try it out.

So I did, and he was giving me instructions on what he liked during, which I also really appreciated because I still use those instructions to this day! haha

He did things to me, we eventually used the condoms I had brought with me and it was a very pleasurable moment. I really do remember it in a positive way, I never felt uncomfortable or that I was doing something I didn't really want to do. We took a shower together and continued, even though we had already been going at it for a while haha.

He had already told me in the beginning of the night that he wasn't going to be able to stay after because he was actually studying for his exams. So when we cleaned ourselves up, we were again walking out on the streets (it was finally not raining anymore!) and he dropped me off close to my hostel. He took a cab and that was the last time I saw him. We did text for a bit after, but I wasn't going to be in Seoul for a while so the text messages eventually stopped. When I was back in my bed it was already 4 or 5 in the morning. I had a hard time falling asleep as I still couldn't believe what had just happened.

The next morning I had to check-out around 10am, and as I didn't have that much sleep I just decided to hang around the lounge of the hostel until I had to leave for the airport.

This time everything went according to plan and before I knew it I was on the plane on the way to Jeju Island, the other side of South-Korea. That night I just checked in my hostel (my bed was still available even if I was a day late) and went to bed early as I was still feeling very tired.

Bisous,

Lise